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Still Here

I have been married, divorced, married again, separated, got back together, and am contemplating my second divorce. Love is not easy if you are hasty and make impulsive choices. Every single day I run all the choices I have made in my love life through my head and try to figure out where I went wrong. Should I have tried harder in my first marriage even though there was infidelity? Should I have never agreed to meet my current husband even though we had a crazy connection on line? Should I have never moved away from my family and essentially emotionally isolated myself?

I know the answer to the last one, I never should have moved away from my friends and family. They were my support system. I know if I was closer to home I would not have tolerated half the emotional, and verbal abuse that I have. What I know now will not help me as I live 4 states away from my family. I have been the Mother to my step children for 6 years. Their biological Mother is not in the picture of her own choice and they depend on me very heavily as their Father is disabled and in a deep state of depression. I remain married to their Father only to remain their Mother. I am so unhappy I find it hard to make it through each day. Could I survive another divorce? Probably. Could I survive loosing the daily contact with the only kids I will every have? I don’t know how I could. I never thought that my life could be filled with such love (for the children) and such hatred (for the man that abuses me) at the same time. Is the children’s love that is in my life because of this man enough to sustain me? I evaluate that question every day.

Being a Step Mother is hard. If these were my own children I would file for divorce, work out a custody arrangement and move forward with my life. I don’t have that choice, it isn’t that simple for me. So I will make the best of every day, try to find common ground, hope that his heart changes and that he decides that he really wants to make my life better instead of worse.

I am still here.

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The Step-Mother

For my Step-Children

Let me start by saying that the four of you are very young, too young to be told that your mother doesn’t care about you. Your father and I have decided that because you are so young (9,7,5 and 5) that it is developmentally best for your emotional well-being to believe that your Mother (I am using the term very loosely) loves you and wants what is best for you.  I see how excited you are to have her actually show up for your visits now and even try to spend extra time with you. I know that you need that to feel good about yourselves. Your father and I do our best to let you have “quality time with her” since the consensus among mental health professionals says that is what is best for you.

Here is the real story. I hate the woman that gave birth to you. She has done nothing to secure a better place in this world for you what-so-ever. I go to work missing you every day so I can make money to feed you and clothe you. I worry about birthday and Christmas shopping and where I will find money to make your childhoods as special as mine was. I worry about if I am a good enough Mother to you because I feel that I don’t live up to my own Mother’s example. I worry about how you are going to get through college and how I can make you love learning so that you get to college. I constantly think about the woman that gave birth to you and the fact that she doesn’t even have a G.E.D. I worry that you will think that it is ok to scrape by in life because that is what you’re used to seeing. If your mother loved you she would get her G.E.D. and get a job, she would pay child support so that you could have nicer things in life, and she would want to set an example to you of not giving up and never settling. I honestly wonder if the woman who gave birth to you has ever spent one minute worrying about your future. Does she think about how she can help you become the best you possible?  I want a better life for you. What does she want?

I am sure that you will never read this and probably never should but I wish I knew how to teach you what someone does when they love you. They try to make your life easier, better, and happy. Someone that loves you will worry about everything so that you don’t have to, they will carry your burdens and do everything that they can to make certain your needs are met and that you are  happy, healthy, cared for children. I will deal with her though because it is supposedly what is best for you. I will watch you love her in a way that children can only love their mother, but don’t ever ask me to forgive her for all the obstacles she has thrown in your path by not caring enough to make a better future for you, for not worrying about you, for not really knowing how to love you.  I will try every day to make your life better, to make a better future for us and to make an impression in your lives so that you know how valuable you really are; and I will have faith that in 15 years you will see the difference between the woman who gave you your lives and the woman that has given her life to you.

Signed,

Your Step-Mother

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My last move.

There is nothing worse than having to pack up all your stuff and move to a new place, but this time I am happy. I believe I have found the person I was meant to be with, I call him my sole mate, some people would call that sappy, but I am so happy. I am becoming the step-mom to 4 beautiful children and a wife to a man I think is the sweetest, kindest, most handsome man in the world. I have been living with him the last month and I am not disillusioned. I realize this is going to be the single hardest thing I will ever do in my life. The kids struggle emotionally because they haven’t had a stable mother figure, and we will be working through a lot of behavior issues. Here is what gets me…I will have had the worst day with the kids being naughty and hitting, swearing, throwing stuff, etc., and my little 4 year old will crawl up on my lap to give me kisses, look in my eyes, and say, “You are the most beautiful and good Mommy ever, I love you.” And just like that I know that it is worth it. I was meant to meet their Dad and be their mother, I was meant to fall in love with all of them! 

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Soon to be Bride!

I have not been bogging at all in the past few months, I have spent that time praying, contemplating, and really trying to figure out what I need to be happy. I had totally stopped dating except for casual acquaintance and old boyfriends that I knew I was not capable of loving. I had given up on love and figured I would just be alone. Then a online friend that I met through the Facebook app AYI asked me to meet. My first thought, “We live 850 miles apart!”  I gave it some thought and in this year of 2012 many changes had happened in my life but the one constant was my friend Gary. He would listen to me bitch about my dates and how I couldn’t meet anyone with the same goals as me and he was always there to give encouragement. So off I went to Vermont! It was the beginning of the rest of my life. Not only did this man make me feel complete and whole I fell in love with his four kids as well! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would have a happy ever after but here it is happening to me! Our engagement party is this Friday night and the wedding is in October. I have never loved and been this loved in my life. God really was listening to all my prayers. I was just not being patient enough for him to do his work. I have had more heartbreak than one girl deserves but for this to be my gift from God… It was all worth it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sQeQC4hT10

Ingrid Michaelson 

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The Conflicted Soul

I have been seeing and talking with my friend for over a year now. This friend I am talking about started off as a boyfriend but we both realized very quickly we made great friends but were not suited for each other as partners. Once we decided this there arose a problem, we liked each other and wanted to remain friends but we were still extremely sexually attracted to each other. Fast forward about a year; we see each other every couple of months and hang out as friends but we have also continued having sex. I love this man and I do truely believe he cares for me very much as well. He has never lied to me about anything and has shown time and time again I can tell him anything. Being that there is a mutual love and respect between us there seemingly should be no problem right? Wrong.

My friend is going to school to be a pastor. He knows that what the bible dictates as moral character is not how he is conducting his life. He struggles with this conflict. He wants to be the perfect reflection of what is right but he also knows that as a human being he has sin. And just as the rest of us he struggles to do the right thing.

I however am at the point that I wonder if my willingness to continue our unconventional relationship contributes to or enables his behavior? Am I helping him hurt himself? Am I even responsible for the personal guilt or repercussions he has to personally deal with? Should I end the physical relationship and if I do will I loose our friendship? Or should I not worry about any of it because I can only be responsible for my own behavior.

It was recently pointed out to me that I shouldn’t continue this relationship by a couple friends. They say I am shorting myself from finding actual love. I am so conflicted. This man knows more about me than anyone…..I suppose I should have this conversation with him. I know that only him and I can define the boundaries of our friendship and how to best support each other. If only this was easier and I wasn’t afraid of loosing someone very important to me.

“What is light without dark? Right without left? What is goodness without the option to be evil?” – Harrison Christian